Hello 2019

People ask me all of the time “where do you get your energy from?” Well, this is where is comes from. The desire to do well, and make a positive impact on people’s lives. Between teaching 14 dance/theatre classes a week, directing/choreographing one show, choreographing another, running a theatre company, & finishing my second poetry collection, the first 3 months of 2019 are going to be fueled by what fuels every year, Desire. 

& gosh darn it, I’m so excited! 🖤 

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in tune with the universe.

My mother has said it. She has it. I must have inherited the gene from her because I have it too. I’m not agreeing with her just because she’s my mother. My own life experiences has lead me to this statement:  I have a 6th sense about things.

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Its not so much that i can “see the future” but I have a strong feeling or inkling inside when something effective is going to happen in my life. Sometimes I even know what’s happening in other people’s lives; how their feeling, their thought process, or a fact about them that I don’t necessarily know. Some people would say I’m crazy or jumping to conclusions, but my “6th sense” has not steered me wrong so far. 

The random, serendipitous instances or coincidences - they are the scary things that I believe in. I believe in signs. I believe in being on a wavelength. Don’t get me wrong, all of this freaks me out but, these forces of the universe are what makes me feel a serene fear. They are what drives me. That serene fear combined with intuition, they are part of what makes me, me.  

I guess you can call it Faith, I guess you can call it Insanity, I guess you can call it Hope, but whatever you want to call it, its definitely a Thing. It exists. Mom believes so, and so do I. 


Walls.

I learned

a long time ago

that no one

knows

who i truly am

except

myself.


For the longest time, I put up walls and wondered why no one “got” me. I hid myself. I was shy, massively insecure, and didn’t trust others. As I grew, I wondered why friends of mine didn’t care about me the way they did their other friends. Well, it finally came to the realization point. That i needed to be more open. If people keep their walls up, they start to give up on them. So, I made a change, and began to be more comfortable with people peeping at my heart.

With that change, it’s not just my good parts that are exposed. ALL of me is exposed and I’m okay with that. But for others, well, some of them don’t like what they see and give up anyway. I’m at a place now that if so-called friends want to give up on me, then they can go. I don’t hate them for not loving me, they just showed me a not-so-good part of their heart. The thing that separates me from them is I will not give up on them. If they need me, I’m here. I’m always here.

The ones who embrace my not-so-good parts are the friends that will stick with me as long as we are alive. Those are the people that will become parts of my heart and stay there till the end.

"I'm brave but I'm chicken shit"

lyric from Alanis Morissette's Hand in my Pocket 

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I used to be scared of taking chances. Of risks. It's not that I was scared of rejection. I'm a performer. I love rejection. It baffled me that I could be worthy of a goal, and when that goal was attained, it could be gone in a second. I was scared of loosing what could be so important to me. That it could walk right out of my life, never to return. As a result of that, my life got boring, repetitive, and I realized I was not happy with myself. I couldn't believe I allowed myself to let that happen. 

But over the course of the last 2 years, I have changed. My perspective on life has changed. I have opened myself up. I have tried new things. Had new experiences. I have taken leaps when I had no freaking clue what I was doing. I have hit rock bottom and picked myself back up. I dismantled the walls I spent most of my teenage years building. I embraced the negative. I have dismissed the positive. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and did things.

Don't get me wrong, I still get scared. I still have moments of hesitation. I still got work to do. The important thing is I have accepted that change is constant, permanent is not positive, and perfection is never reachable. With that, I now allow myself to push fear to the side while I push myself. 

Change is constant. Permanent is not positive. Perfection is never reachable. 

 

internal conflict

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i am

an all-out 

war 

fighting

to keep 

my so-called purpose

alive. 


We all have our days. You know, those days where we question our existence, the purpose of our lives, and what we are doing here. We want to leave something permanent for the world. To be remembered when we die. Well, even if we achieve to leave a mark, guess what? We will be forgotten eventually. All of those that knew us, that remembered us, will also die. They will filter out therefore, we will filter out. Right now, you're probably asking "so what's the point?" Exactly. What is the point? 

My point is to make the most of your life here by letting it rock whichever way it wills. I know, that's hard. We care too much. We worry too much. And I'm just as guilty of that as you are. See, right now I'm reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson, and he's brought to the surface the issues we choose to deny of ourselves and the world. Once we accept those, our lives will be infinitely better. 

I'm trying the thing - to not give so many fucks. To accept things for as they are and move on. To let the boat of my life rock whichever way it wills, and to not be afraid of the waves.

Can I do it?

Can you do it?

 

i miss getting to know you

you taught me 

how to

sing off tempo

 

you showed me 

how to 

waltz through the dining room

 

you read me 

stories of lovely shadows 

 

and watched them 

with me on the screen 

 

you took me 

to see the magic come alive 

for the very first time 

 

little did i know 

getting to know you 

would become

my world

 

you’ve left 

me  

a love that 

will 

last my

lifetime 

 

and a heart 

that beats 

to make you proud


Theatre is my world. I can't imagine myself and my life without it. I took my first dance class when I was 2 years old. I never stopped. I am now 25. I sang in a chorus for the first time in 4th grade. I  was in my first production in 5th grade. I am now a performer, choreographer, director and producer. Who do I have to thank for that? My Grandma Barbara. 

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When I think back, I always end up hearing "Getting to Know You" from The King and I as the first musical theatre song I've ever heard. My Grandma Barbara used to sing to it me when I was little. Every time I hear that song I think of her. There was always a musical on her television set in the living room. She was always humming while folding laundry or snapping green beans in the dining room. She would never sing the lyrics at the right time. She took me to my first musical on broadway. That was it. I was hooked. Little did I know back then that she would intorduce me to the love my life. 

She passed away last October. What would have been her birthday passed on August 16th. 

I was playing Tuptim in a production of The King and I when she passed away. There were two legs of the run. The first leg was taped, so I got to show her the DVD. She was bed-ridden and couldn't see, or really talk, but she heard it. Seeing her like that, watching me, her granddaughter, in her favorite musical, the one she used to sing to me, with me, was heartbreaking. For the last years of her life, she wanted so badly to see me in a show. As I was leaving her and gave her a  kiss on the cheek, I said "I love you Grandma. Always." She said "I love you too, Baby Doll" as best she could. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I walked with my Mom to the car. No one expected that to be the last time we saw her, but I did. It was the perfect goodbye. Our time together had gone full-circle. 

The second leg of the run was the week she passed. I had shows, so I had to miss some of the wake times. I was devastated. How in the world was I going to go onstage and be happy while listening to the teachings of the wonderful Ms. Anna singing "Getting to Know You?" I did it though. I had to. I had to make Grandma proud. 

In a weird way, I did. When I was backstage waiting for my curtain call cue, I stood and looked at a majestic elephant painted on the set. I felt this rush of, let's call it Love, come over me. The kind of Love that could only be given by a Grandmother's hug. "I love you, Baby Doll" rang through my head. I looked up at the ceiling, and simultaneously smiled and frowned with tears dripping down my cheeks. 

For every single theatre endeavor I do, I do it for her. 

- Happy Birthday, Grandma. I miss you more. 

free writing frees

The streets are filled with gray pavement for those who have lost their way.  It tells a story of every life that has walked upon this land we call home.  Did anyone think to stop and look at that gray pavement? To stop and wonder who has walked upon it.  Someone great?  Someone not so great?  Lovers?  Fighters? Just think of how many footsteps that pavement has endured.  It has been shit on.  It has been glided upon.  Danced upon. Beer has been spilled.  Jackhammers have cracked it.  It has withered.  It has eroded, and yet, it still remains.  It is a constant work in progress, just like the world it was built upon.  Everything is a work in progress.  Nothing is definite.  We are not here for long, so embrace the work-in-progress.  We are here to walk on the pavement for as much as time will allow.  Are you going to make your time great or not so great? 


The above is a free write I did earlier today. Free writing is a great way to get away from your mind. Whatever comes out, comes out. It frees all of those thoughts you have circling in your brain and all of those feelings swimming in your emotion pool - the ones you can’t find the words to correctly convey. It could be coherent or completely insensible. The beauty is, it doesn’t matter.  It’s your thoughts, your feelings, your words, just in a different way. You never know, you could be happy with the result. 

soulmates(s)

our souls are 

sprinkled

throughout 

the universe

and it is our 

calling 

to find those parts 

of ourselves

in others

and for 

others to find 

their sprinkles 

within 

us 


Many people believe in soulmates. That is all well and good. Me? Well I don't believe that my other half is out there somewhere. That I am destined to be looking for him for the rest of my life. That he is out there waiting for me.

I believe in soulmates(s). Double Plural. That everyone has more than one. The way I see it is we find different parts of ourselves in different people, whether it be friends, family, lovers, or everything in-between. We find things we have in common with others such as our likes, dislikes, our views, and mentality.

We find connections, but those connections are so strong and run so deep to the point where it is baffling that you have found people who understand you. People who get you. Who go through the same highs and lows as you. Who know what you're thinking without even saying a word. People who feel your feelings. Who love the very specific facial expression an actor has in a very specific part of a movie. People who finish your sentences. Who start singing a song with you at the exact same random measure.

Those are our soulmates(s). Not every single example above is assigned to every one of your soulmates. They are sprinkled throughout the people we come across in life in this massive, yet tiny universe. If you are lucky enough to stumble upon them, they have stumbled upon you, and that is something beautiful. 

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i am now in your hands

to share my poetry

is to share

 

every nook 

and cranny 

of my brain

 

every depth 

of my heart 

 

and cave 

of my soul

 

no matter how 

dark or light

the colors may run

 

to share my poetry 

is to share

my deepest of secrets

and shallowest of thoughts 

 

it is to share 

all

of me

 

just as it is 

to grow from 

“i like you” 

to 

“i love you” 

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When I can't find the words to say, I turn to the poets of Yesterday.

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When it comes to writing, it is my hope that I can be the helping hand for someone who needs it. That I can touch them in some way, even after I am long gone from this world. Like Langston Hughes, Frost, Williams, Whitman, Shakespeare, and so many other beautiful poets, they are the comforting voices that hold my hand today. If there is one thing I wish, it is to be holding your hand beside them. 

"Happiness is not a Destination"

One of my best friends once asked me:

"When was the last time you were genuinely happy?"

I sat. I thought. I said:

"I don't know. I honestly can't remember." 


The first time I heard this Happiness Quote, I was watching One Tree Hill. The character Julian said those words and they have stuck with me ever since. While all of us strive to be happy, he is right. "Happiness" is a feeling. Just like sadness, or anger, loneliness, or love. We have to remember that. It is not something permanent.

As you can tell from the dialogue above, I haven't been feeling the H-word lately. When people think of me, they tend describe me as "a Happy person who always has a smile on her face." That simply isn't the case. I am a human with a dark spot in my heart just like everyone else. It just so happens that this best friend of mine was the first person besides my mother who ever noticed it before. 

All, the key to happiness is finding the little moments to applaud and to appreciate all of the struggles as a lesson in strength. There is beauty in grayness. 

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Self Love

She is chubby. She is kind. She is emotional. She is loud. She is motherly. She is wrong. She is sorry. She is deep. She is hard. She is friendly. She is dark. She is light. She is gray. She is short. She is afraid. She is beautiful. She is mean. She is different. She is me. 

I looked into the mirror and the reflection staring back at me was the destination I have been looking for all of my life. 

I have found myself and embraced her with the biggest hug a heart can make. 

So this is what it's like to be in complete peace with yourself. 

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